December 25, 2005    It's Christmas Day and I got to spend it with my family. I got everything I wanted for Christmas. I got love and affection from most of the people that matter to me. If I didn't talk to you or write to you or e-mail you on Christmas Day, please forgive me and know that this entry is for you. Merry Christmas!!! Last week I got to work in my home club, The Funnybone Comedy Club and Restaurant in Richmond, Virginia. It was an awesome experience for me because I got to feature for the week. It was a short week, but it was still nice to be able to stretch my wings in my home club..... You know, when I feature in other clubs or close in some, It doesn't seem as big a deal as featuring or closing in my home club. I think its because people that have been there have seen me from the first days when I was knocking the rust off. They see me all the time and kind of get used to me. When I go to a club that I've never been to or haven't been to in a while, the reaction to my performance is much different. They don't know what to expect. They don't have any preconceived notions about who I am or what I'm going to do. That's not true in my home club. They know me. At least they think they do. I surprised a few folks this week, to no surprise to me. It was nice. I think they got to see me the way folks who don't get to see me, see me! Are you following me? Am I making sense?... It doesn't matter. This is my diary......./........ I got to work with Andy Hendrickson. He's a funny guy from the D.C. area. What a great week. The crowds were about half full for the four shows, but they were great. Fridays second show crowd was awesome. It was a blast. I can't wait to get to perform there again......./....... I'll be in Virginia Beach next week with Gary Owen. I think that I'm the emcee, but I'll find out when I get down there. The funny thing is that I'd never seen Daddy Day Car, which he's in, until today. It was playing on t.v. in some sort of marathon. If you don't know, Gary Owen played, Mr. Carrot/ Mr. Broccoli. I've worked with him a few times before and had a blast. I think that I'll write about my experiences in Florida in another entry. This one's getting a bit long....../........ Oh, by the way, I have another revision to do the movie before it's the way I want it and then I'm gonna shop the hell out of the thing. We'll see what happens. Until next time, Peace.   December 30, 2005    It's almost the New Year and I've yet to make any New Years resolutionis. I usually wait for them to hit me in the face. I don't know what my New Years resolution was for last year and ... nevermind, I just remembered. I told my muse that I was going to quit making 'Ya muva' jokes. I can honestly say that I made a very good effort to that end. I can recall only a few instances where I felt the urge to blurt out, "Ya Muva!" And when I did let go with them, I remember them being a choice and not some uncontrolled flow of insults about her mother hurled in her direction. And just in case my muses mother is reading this, I can safely say that at no point in time did I ever consider a 'ya muva' joke to reflect personally on you. All 'ya muva' jokes are directed at no mother in particular. They are just spewed out at motherdom in general......./....... I went to a club called... I can't remember. I've had a few blue hawaiians. It was fun though. The shows at the Funnybone in Virginia Beach, Virginia was absolutely packed tonight. I'm hoping that it's an indicator of what it's going to look like for the rest of the week. It was awesome. By the way, I'm working with Gary Owen and Roy Wood, Jr. Both of these cats are awesome. Roy cut it short to go work on his website. You should check it out if you get the chance. You can get to it through my links page......./....... I worked out this morning at Brian, the manager of the Funnybone's gym. I always feel very good after working out. It cleans out my insides. But I'm sure you don't want to hear about how running effects the flow of mucus in your body. I'm sure of it. Let's just say that when I run, I get a lot of crap from inside of my body... out of my body. Before I left for the beach this time, I got to spend an evening with my good buddy, Kenny Chu. I've got to do that more often. Hang out with my friends. I always feel great when I do. I felt even better when I hung out with my family on Christmas day. It was awesome. I got to see my nephews and my little cousins. It always makes me see how far behind in the baby making department I am. I'm not going to catch up any time soon. Anyway....../...... I had a wonderful Christmas and I believe that I'm on my way to having a wonderful New Years. I hope that you are too. Happy New Years......./....... By the way, before I forget. When I went to the club tonight, I saw something that I don't want to see again. I may have already talked about this in my diary, but I'm going to talk about it again. Listen, Ladies, if you are at the club and you came in a nice dress all coordinated with your jewelery and other things and you have on those banging pair of shoes. You know those shoes that I'm talking about. The ones that set that outfit off just right... but they also hurt your feet. If you come to the club with those on, trying to look cute, and you just happen to get tired of wearing them... then just suck it up and keep on dancing. You can massage those dogs when you get home. But please do me and every other man that has a thing for shoes a favor. Keep your shoes on. We are not in Africa. Your flat feet on the dance floor is not acceptable. I refuse to condone such ignorant behavior. I'm sorry but I just had to get that off of my chest. It's horrible and your feet are sanding down the dance floor. When you leave, they come behind you and spray on a fresh coat of poly urethane. Get your feet done and keep them in the shoe!!! I'm not playing!!!   January 6, 2006    Okay, the first diary entry of the year took me 6 days to get to. I don't know what kind of sign that is, but it is a sign. Maybe it's a sign that I had too much champagne on New Years Eve in Virginia Beach at the Funnybone. Or maybe it's a sign that I'm slow on the draw when it comes to this diary. Either way, I'm writing in it now, so get off my back. That might not have been necessary...../..... I had a wonderful time at the beach. I followed that up by coming back to Richmond, Virginia and learning why bulimia isn't for me. I don't know what I ate the other night but let me tell you it wanted out. I had a burrito from my favorite place in the world, CHIPOTLE. By the way, did I mention that I'm a Master Burrito Ambassador? I'm still not sure what that means other than I eat a lot of their stuff and I talk about them a lot. They send me t-shirts and I wear them because I wear free clothes. I'd much rather have some more free burritos, but I'm not complaining. Trust me. I'm not complaining. I was fine for hours after I ate the burrito. It was delicious. And then I decided that I wanted some chinese food from the place above the Funnybone Comedy Club. I'd eaten there with no problems before, but this time... let me tell you! It was criminal what that food did to me. I abused my toilet, and my tub. And quite frankly, rice doesn't digest all that quickly... did you know that? I didn't either. I do now! I know a lot about rice now. And chicken. I also know that I would never choose to do that (vomiting) voluntarily. I mean, I tried to fight it. Hard. But I had no choice. That's how you're supposed to toss your cookies... against your will. I can only imagine that vomiting is like a prison rape. You don't want it to happen. You fight it tooth and nail. You tell yourself that it's not about to go down like this, but when it comes down to it... it's gonna happen. And when it does, you kind of just go along with the program. Let it run its course and hope that it doesn't last all that long....../..... Of course, I've never been to prison, so I'm not all that sure of where that analogy came from, but it sure sounds like it fits. What's up with Broke Back Mountain. I bet John Wayne is rolling over in his grave. Interesting!!!   January 7, 2006    Wow! Two days in a row. I wonder what's next...../...... I went to the Bone tonight and saw D.L. Hughley. Man, was he funny! I didn't know what to expect and I'm kind of glad that I didn't because that's usually when you allow the person to be who they are instead of being disappointed because they aren't the person that you thought they'd be. Funny! I was in stitches. The feature act was Frank Townsend, from Chicago. He closed the show last night at the local comic show....../.....I'm trippin from the episode with my stomach the other night. I was supposed to print up some flyers so that we (Kenny Chu) and myself could go pass them out in the Fan district and downtown Richmond to promote the new night at Easy Street. But I completely forgot about all of that. Anyway, I'm going to get the word out somehow. I decided to do a MySpace search of the people within a 50 mile radius of the Funnybone. I'm gonna try to become friends with as many as I can because It'll be a great way to let people know about who I am, what I'm doing and where I'll be performing. If you're on MySpace and you're reading this, send me a friend invite. My address is: http://www.myspace.com/odysseymichaels/ ......./........ I'm beat down tired. I've got new designs for my tees and they look fabulous. They're white print on black shirts and I couldn't be happier with them. I'm bringing them to a town near you. Seacrest Out! I don't even know what that means. I just know that I'm done for the night. I'm gonna click on my iTunes library and chill with my "The Mood" playlist, which includes newly downloaded songs by Will Downing. Watch out ladies! Big Willie's gonna sing what's in my heart. Cause if I did that myself... it would be bad! I sound like Will Downing, if Will Downing got rabbit punched in the throat! Monday, you can fall apart. Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart, Thursday doesn't even start, it's Friday,   January 8, 2006    "You can't wear those boots in here. It's just part of the dress code and the owner is being kind of tight tonight!" That's what I heard from the door guy / security / dumb ass guarding the door at Tiki Bob's in 'The Bottom' of Downtown Richmond, Virginia tonight. Those words actually came out of his mouth like he actually believed that he was saving the good name of the club by not letting me in there with my wretched boots on. Listen, these boots don't have paint on them. They don't have discoloration on them from when I got drunk and pissed on them. They're nice looking boots that go well with my outfit. And, it's not like you could tell that they were boots anyway because I didn't have some cuff in my pants that were showing how high up the boots were going, or the color of my socks...../..... Listen, I understand the need for dress codes sometimes. But when you're talking about a place that lets women come in with whatever they want, even those stupid little chinese shoes with no heels on them, then it's ridiculous to ask a guy not to wear boots... especially in the winter. It's the winter. I mean officially. I'm not just talking about saying, "Hey, it feels like winter out here!" No! If you look at a calendar and see when winter started and look at the date now, you'll see that it's still winter....../..... Plus, the club is called Tiki Bob's. They have furniture made of bamboo. I don't think there's a single piece of granite in the place. The floors aren't covered in marble, and I believe that the faucets don't have even the slightest hint of gold on them. So why am I asked not to wear boots? I'm not sure, but it seems pretty damn stupid to me. But this is Richmond and this has happened before. I'm sure it'll happen again. And more than likely, I'll walk away knowing that I'll talk about the place that denied me entry. Cause, I like boots. I like the way they look when I wear jeans. I was almost tempted to put on my buddies golf shoes and walk back to the club. But you know what they say about walking a mile in another man's shoes. Well neither do I, but I know it would've been uncomfortable because he wears a size 13 and I wear a size 11....../....... The point that I'm trying to make is this... Tiki Bob's gets the finger. At least for a week. Maybe when I get back from West Virginia, I'll give them another chance. But for now, they can have the finger. Yeah, that'll do......./....... I watched an episode of the television show, 'Cheaters". That was some of the funniest stuff that I'd seen in quite some time. I believe that I have a new bit about that show. It's 4 in the morning and I believe that sleep is finally finding its way into my eyes. I should go with it because it's been elusive these past couple of weeks. I'll get at you. Peace and Blessings my friends.   January 9, 2006    I just finished running a few miles on the treadmill. I took a shower and am about to get dressed. I'm heading over to my mom's house to get some spaghetti. Ahhhhh, a home cooked meal. I miss those. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy eating out at restaurants in all of these different cities but a home cooked meal is appreciated now more than ever. I worked the 955 Club last night and had a great time. They moved their comedy night from Mondays to Sundays, so any of you that were thinking about going out there should change that in your schedule. I actually have to change it in mine. By the way, Big up to Wayne at Easy Street Cafe and everyone else over there. Nikki, Damien, Emily, Jack, Lauren, Colleen, and Danny. They've certainly made my Mondays and now my Sundays awfully fun. I'm working on some new material and I'm quite excited about it. I'll keep tweaking it until it's where I want it to be and then I'll tweak it some more. Maybe I'll have some winners there. The other ones will just get chucked to the side. I'll be heading to West Virginia in a few days... I've got to check on my Long John supply. I'm gonna try to go skiing. I've never been before. If I go, you can bet you're gonna read about it. I'm off!   January 13, 2006    I'm on the phone with my muse and she's complaining that she NEEDS!!!! shoes. Nice strappy sandals... Hello! It's the winter. And since when do you need a pair of shoes? Need??? I don't think so. We are not so far off in this country that most of us need shoes. We're lucky enough to not be worried about things like that. So much so that we make songs about it. I was reminded the other day about a song by Sade, The song is entitled 'Pearls'. Here are some of the lyrics: There is a woman in Somalia / scraping for pearls by the road side / There's a force stronger than nature / keeps her will alive / This is how she's dying / She's dying to survive / I don't know what she's made of / I would like to be that way / She cries to the heavens above / There is a storm in my heart / She lives a life she didn't choose / And it hurts like... brand new shoes!...../....... Okay. Brand new shoes? This woman is scraping for pearls, by the roadside and you think that her life feels like a pair of brand new shoes that haven't been broken in. Is that how you relate to pain? Really?? Listen, when the worst pain that you can feel is a pair of brand new shoes that haven't been properly broken in, and you are so oblivious to the fact that other people are doing things like digging for pearls by the roadside, then you have it way too good. By the way... who the f@*k digs for pearls by the roadside??? Aren't pearls found in oysters or clams or something? And aren't those things found near friggin water??? What are you doing by the roadside digging for pearls? How about aluminum cans? That's a roadside treasure right there. Maybe that's why your life is as painful as a pair of brand new shoes... because you're in the wrong market. Digging for pearls... by the roadside? WTF??? How about digging for pearls in the bay? It just doesn't make sense to dig for pearls where you're not really likely to find them...... / ....... I think this all goes back to my friend talking about the shoes that she needs. Think about the woman that has only the pain of those brand new shoes and maybe those shoes aren't such a necessity after all. Maybe what you need get is a string of pearls. Support that poor Somalian woman's business. She could probably use the money...... /....... I'm in Huntington, West Virginia with the drinkingest crew in the country. I've found that, Patrone or however it's spelled, goes down way too smooth. It doesn't taste like a tequila but it has all of the after effects of tequila. I will say that I had a dream that I owed back child support to a girlfriend that I hadn't seen in years. I was also in some kind of sick twisted love quadrangle with some woman that I met in the club one time, and some other person that I couldn't make out and Juan, the security guard at the Funnybone in Richmond, who was there, in the dream, providing security for the event and giving me advice about things that had nothing to do with what was going on. What does all that mean? I have no Idea, but I guarantee that It had a lot to do with the tequila. By the way, I woke up still tipsy and so I went back to sleep and woke up later, still a little tipsy and so I drifted off again. I awoke several hours later and found myself completely sober and thankful that I could no longer dream. I can't imagine the fear that all of you who pay child support have because I couldn't even handle it in my dreams......../....... Anyway, John Joseph the headliner this weekend is great and the feature act, Patrick Garrity, from Florida is pretty good. I do like some guitar acts after all!!!! How wonderful is that? Doug Powell is awesome! Peace.   January 21, 2006    I'm in Marco Island, Florida with my friend B.T. I'm having a ball down here. The weather is beautiful and the place where we are staying is one of the fattest pads that I've ever had the pleasure of staying in. Really. With that being said... I'm wondering what they do with the young people around here. I think that this is where they send all of the people who are getting to old. Do you remember Logan's Run??? This is where they go. It smells like Ben-Gay, Moth Balls and Phermaldahyde (I'm gonna look up how to spell that later and get back to you, but I'm talking about the stuff they pump into dead people to keep them from rotting so quickly) Don't get me wrong, they're as nice as can be, but damnit they are old. It's all good though. I'm having fun. The place where we are performing comedy is called "Captain Brien's". He and his family are treating us extremely well. Not sucking up, just telling it like it is. Anyway, I should be going. I'm fighting a cold, my voice is screwed up and I've got two more shows to do. Then it's off for a week before I head out to Des Moines, Iowa. Never been there before. We'll see how it goes. I'll get back on here with more stuff tomorrow. Peace.   January 23, 2006    Maybe I need to stay a little more up on my calendar than I am, because I'm going to be in Virginia Beach, Virginia next week, not Des Moines, Iowa. That's the week after Virginia Beach....../...... It was a long trip back from Marco Island. We got to come back a day early because our Sunday show got cancelled. Check this out, there were no people at the show because most of the people in the area were at the "Mulletfest". I was really hoping that it was some kind of fish or something, but I don't think that it was. I think it was an actual festival for people with Mullets. It really doesn't matter to me what it was for. All I know is that everybody in the area was there, or they were at home watching the Seattle / Carolina game. Whatever! Nobody showed up to the club to hear comedy. That's the bottom line. So I loaded up the car with my stuff and B.T.'s bags and we headed to Orlando. I dropped him off at the airport and made it to Daytona before I decided that I couldn't drive another lick. I pulled over and caught a few z's at a rest station and then started my trek back home. It'll be nice when I start flying. I mean, I like driving because I get plenty of time to work my material and plan out moves for my career but, WOW! It can get tedious at times. It's what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I thank God for it everyday. I'm happy and thankful for the family and friends that I have. I don't know where that came from, I just wanted to say it. I'm blessed and I know it! I really am......./....... My prayers are with you Ray. Until next time, Peace!   January 31, 2006    Wow!!! I was between opportunities last week, which means that I didn't have a gig in my calendar, when I received a call from the Improv in Washington, D.C. They wanted to know if I was available to work the weekend opening up for Colin Quinn. Of course I was. When I got to D.C. I found out that Colin usually does a one man show and that he asked for an opener. I don't know how I got the call, but I'm happy that I did. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, I'm not just going to be the emcee for a feature and Colin? I'm the Opener for Colin? Is that what you're telling me? It's a two man show? Just me and Colin Quinn? How awesome is that? I'm going to get into the details in a minute, but let me tell you that this was the most productive weekend I've ever had working with anyone. I learned more in this weekend working and talking with Colin than I would have learned in the next three years. I'd had a case of writers block. I mean, I know what kind of business moves that I want to make. That seems to come kind of easy for me. But I can honestly say, that after writing the screenplay, I hadn't been able to get back to writing jokes. I'd come up with bits here and there, but I knew that I needed to be on a different path. I just didn't know what that path was. Knowing that you need to be going in a certain direction, but not knowing what direction it is you should be going was maddening. Well, it seems that Colin Quinn was my compass. I've got things that I'm going to be working on. I've got pages of notes that I was able to write since speaking with him. I've got stories coming out of me that I'd forgotten were a part of me. I see the humor in things that I didn't see the humor in before. I'm willing to take the risk. I'm willing to work without a net. How cool is that?! I'm willing to see what happens. Hell, I want to see what happens. For better or for worse, I'm gonna see what happens.   January 31, 2006    Okay, It's really 3 in the morning on February 1st, but that's okay. I'm chilling in my room while listening to Maroon 5's Songs About Jane. Awesome album. And, yes, I do listen to Maroon 5. It's been an interesting evening. I decided to go to Wal-Mart to get some socks and new underwear. I was also looking for some long johns but was unable to locate the kind that I want. I'd do with some long sleeve t-shirts, but I can't find any that will fit my arms without being all big in the body area. I've got extremely long arms. The same arms that helped me be one of the best volleyball players at my high school are now my worst enemy when it comes to buying clothes. It sucks. And, yes, I played volleyball in high school because I had all of the athletic ability of a basketball player except I lacked the talent to put the ball in the hoop. Why waste all that talent when you can just shift it to another team. But that's another story for another time....../....... Back to Wal-Mart. I load up the basket with all of this crap and then I start to head to the register. But before I go, I remember that there are these kick ass speakers that I've been wanting to get. So I walk on over to the electronics department to take a look at them. After about 10 minutes of going back and forth about whether I should get them and whether I'd be willing to pack them up every time that I had to travel and would it be worth the trouble, I decided to get them. I just put them in the cart and walked away from the shelf. I figured that if I just kept walking that I wouldn't change my mind. It worked because I found myself at the front of Wal-Mart looking for an open register. Somebody please put some idiot restrictions on the self serve registers. And if you have over 20 items, please go to a register with a human being. You people are stupid. Plain and simple. You don't deserve to ring your own items up if you can't even see that you are over the limit for the line. Tard!!! I said it!...../...... Anyway, I buy all of my stuff and start to walk out with my crap in the basket. When I get to the door, I go between the sensors that are there to catch all of the thieves who steal the discount shampoo. Well the damn alarm goes off. Hello?! Is somebody stealing something? I look around and no one else is even remotely close to the door. It's just me. Lonely old me standing there with the polite yet stern pre-recorded voice saying, "You have activated the sensors you criminal. Please step back so the the highly trained C.S.I. / Wal-Mart greeter can check your, or should I say, our shit!" So there I am looking like a complete fool for no reason. All of a sudden I get mad. I'm furious on the inside. It dawns on me that the guy at the register didn't wave the speakers over the thing that desensitizes the speaker box. Friggin Idiot. Because he didn't do his job, I looked like a criminal to everyone in the store. Well, this well meaning senior citizen, a.k.a C.S.I., a.k.a Wal-Mart Greeter, now has to do the job that this idiot didn't do. Which is sad in itself because now she has to walk holding what to her was a heavy ass box. And with each step that she took, I anticipated her hip breaking. And I'm glad that it didn't because she's probably working there so that she can afford her prescription medicine because medicaid won't cover the cost... I digress. All was well. She placed the box back in my basket and waved me through the doors. No bell went off. Which was awesome because that means that I got away with stealing 8 snickers bars and a box of Hot Pockets. Okay, I don't steal, but that's my point. Do your jobs people. I'm sending my avails off for work. We'll see how it goes. How cool is this? Pray for me. Peace, until next time.   February 5, 2006    The Steelers won the Superbowl today and I didn't have to work. We didn't have a show. Surprise, surprise. I was wondering what person or persons, businesses and establishments thought that they could compete with the Superbowl. I bet there were people that put on shows. But I doubt they did well. I got no reason to talk about any of this. I'm watching t.v. now and they are doing a news story about undercover sting operations in West Virginia where they are busting people that sell alcohol to minors. Let me tell you something about West Virginia. All they do is drink around here. They are professional alcoholics. I'm sure that if you show up to work and do not smell like alcohol that they will send you home. Or to the nearest bar to fuel up on the cheapest house liquor available....../...... I had a great time at the Funnybone with John Evans and Craig Peters. They were both funny guys and the shows were great. The turn out could have been much better, but none of the names on the show were really big draws. Anyway, I got nothing. I love my family, I love my friends and I'm looking forward to heading out to Des Moines, Iowa. I think I'm working with Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies. It should be fun. We'll see what's up. Peace.   February 8, 2006    I just woke up. I was awake a few minutes before the phone call that I got, but I just woke up. It was Mike Diesel on the phone. "Did I wake you up, Buddy?" Well, technically, he didn't wake me up, because I was up. But I wasn't up. You know what I mean! Anyway, I got a week switched. I was supposed to be working at "Wiseacres" in the last week of 2006, but that got moved to the second week of January. I'll now be featuring at the club in September and headlining in January of 2007. How's that for advanced notice? Pretty damn sweet if you ask me. But there's plenty of time between now and both of those gigs, so we'll see how it goes....../...... I've made it safely to the frozen tundra that is Iowa. I'm in a town called Urbanville and let me tell you there is nothing Urban about Urbanville. Urban is usually the code word for negro. Such as in the Urban night at the Funnybone. They can't say negro on the radio and so they toss in urban to help you get the picture. I went driving around Urbanville/Des Moines yesterday before the show because I had to get some deodorant and I needed to do some laundry. I saw two unicorns, an ewok and a patch of 4 leaf clovers (in the snow, mind you), before I saw a black person. Okay, I'm being a little ridiculous. But it's interesting. I'm learning so much about this country as I travel it. It's fun. I'm loving every minute of it....../..... I'm working with Jason Dixon tonight and then Michael Winslow comes into town tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it......./...... I'm staying at the Microtel in Des Moines and the folks seem to be pretty nice here. Here's the problem: They put me over the laundry room and I can feel the industrial sized washing machine as it vibrates and cleans the jizz from the sheets and towels and pillow cases. I really try not to think about what some people do in their hotel rooms. It helps me to sleep better at night. The floor is actually vibrating. It's a good thing that I can sleep through crap like that. Otherwise, I'd snap. I need to change rooms anyway because I have a lot of work to get done and I don't think that I can work with all of that noise. I'm the kind of person that needs quiet to work. No t.v., no radio, nobody yapping in my ear. I need quiet. I'll even plop in a pair of ear plugs in some situations. I think that's why I like driving to these gigs so much. I get a chance to meditate on my act. It's the alone time that helps me to think about some of the finer points in certain jokes......./....... It's 9:08 in the morning here. I'm gonna get a shower, brush my teeth, throw on some workout clothes and go hit this gym they have here. I hear that it's pretty nice. I've gotta run. I haven't done it in about 2 and a half weeks. Or since when I've been sick. That was after West Virginia. Anyway, I'm out! Peace!   February 15, 2006    I'm about to head on to my next gig. It's a one nighter in Osage Beach, Missouri. It's a landlocked state, so I'm trying to figure out how they got anything with the word 'beach' attached to it. It's quite a ride and I've still got some packing to do....../....... I hope that everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day. By the way, my barber has flipped out and so now I'm cutting my own hair. Until he gets it together or until I find a new barber, that's the way it's going to go. We'll see what's up with that. Ha! Seacrest, out!!!!   February 16, 2006    This woman tried to ruin my night. It was the snotty little troll who keeps the Econo Lodge in Osage Beach at night. I'm assuming that she would be stoned by the locals if she tried to come out during daylight hours. Here's what happened:....... I called the front desk because I wanted to know what they had on the 'expanded' continental breakfast. When you put the word 'expanded' next to continental, that could mean anything. Preformed egg patties, microwavable hash browns, anything. So I called, "Hey, I was wondering what kind of tasty treats you have for breakfast out there." I was rather chipper as I had just finished a great show here in Osage Beach........ She replies, "I don't have time to tell you that now, you'll have to wait!" I was put on hold, rudely I might add. After a few minutes, the phone starts to ring and the line goes through to her again. I say, "I was just put on hold."....... To which she replies, "I know, I can't help you right now. I've got somebody checking in, you'll have to keep holding." There was obvious irritation in her voice. It's as if she thought that I hung up the phone and called her back. I didn't. I guess that some hotels have a system set up so that if a customer is waiting for too long, it will ring the clerk/ troll again so that they won't be rude to the customers. Anyway, I'm irritated now. And now the phone rings again. This means that I've been waiting for a while because, like I said the first time, I didn't call back. The computer thing happened again. Even the friggen phone system knows that I was waiting too long. Yet this troll / hobbit didn't. Man, am I pissed at Michele Baggins/ troll/ hobbit/ mini-bovine. She answers the phone this time and is completely irked. "Listen, I'm trying to check somebody in. I don't have time to do... " ....... I cut her off. "You could have told me that when I first called instead of putting me on hold."....... I hear the phone hit what I believe to be the counter. This woman has just set the phone down and is no longer listening to me. What??? When I first called she could have told me to call her back. Or better yet, she could have told me that she was going to call me back when she finished with the customers in the lobby. I would have been cool with that. But to get irritated with me because she was having trouble checking in somebody who brought a dog and wanted a smoking room when they didn't have pet rooms with smoking, is ridiculous. Her drama should not have been placed on me. It's not mine to hold. Hell, I was happy. All I wanted to know was what was on the friggen 'expanded' continental breakfast........ Here's why I love this diary. I didn't have to yell at her. I didn't have to go off and defend myself. I just went down to the office to see the troll face to snout and get her name. Which I did. And now, I get to use the power of the media to get it off my chest. See you can't defeat me you mystical magical creature of the night. Your powers can't subdue me. I am strong and can withstand the onslaught of your bitter, ugly and angry world. You, who creep about on your stomach while dragging your knuckles and checking people in and out with such disdain. May you find happiness where there is none. That was my prayer to her. Of course, I called her a troll. I need prayer too......... I performed on the show tonight with Chris Porter. Chris is a very, very funny guy. If you get the chance, you should check him out. It was fun. Osage Beach is in the off season right now, but I'm sure it'll pick back up when they actually become a beach. It's a Big-A lake with miles and miles of shore line. But a beach it is not. I'll find out tomorrow. I'm gonna get up early and go check the place out. But this will be after I've had my 'expanded' continental breakfast. Peace, until next time!   February 17, 2006    I'm still in Springfield, MO with Michael Winslow. I don't know if it's the town or the weather or what, but these have been some of the rowdiest crowds I've seen in a while. They talk to the comedians as if we invited conversation as part of the question/ answer period of the show - which we didn't. I was sent a shot by this chick... and then we discussed it. It was weird. During the show it started to snow really, really bad. By the time the second show was over the place was covered in snow. I'm really tired as I'm typing this. There was something that I wanted to write about specifically, but I can't remember what it was....... nope, still can't remember...... I'm gonna go put away the groceries and try to remember what I was going to write. I'll be back but you won't know that I've even gone.....   February 24, 2006    Hey, I got a new phone. It's got the internet. But I'm still figuring it out. See ya!   February 26, 2006    It's been a minute since I've put a serious diary entry in here. Just to let you know, I don't know what it was that I was thinking about the other day and it should be obvious to everyone that reads this that I didn't get right back to it. Which means that you did know. Although, anyone reading this now has no idea what I'm talking about. So, I'll just go with that. I'm working with John Henton this weekend at the Funnybone in Richmond. I didn't think that I would be working at all this week because they told me that I was bumped. But I'm glad for the work. I'm also working with Kenny Smith. Very funny guy. I've worked with him before, in Virginia Beach. It was a blast then and It's a blast this time as well. I'm getting creative on stage and doing some of the things that I've been wanting to do for a while. I'm getting more comfortable with taking chances and apparently, it's paying off. I won't get too far ahead of myself though because I'm going to be taking some bigger chances in a short while. I'm looking forward to it. I don't know If I mentioned this earlier or not, but I was interviewed for this article that's supposed to be in the "Richmond Magazine" in April. They wanted to do an article about stand-up comedy in Richmond. I got asked to do the interview and so I obliged because I'm a positive media whore. That's right, I said it. The only problem with it is that now, some of the people that I owe money to might be able to track me down. But I guess you gotta trade a little something for something. I got a call earlier about setting up a photo shoot for next week. It's all good. It's something that I'll be able to send to my relatives to let them know that I am actually working. Big up to my family!!!!! Today, I drove out to Charlottesville, VA to attend a casting call for extras for this movie that they are filming, 'Evan Almighty', which is the follow up movie to 'Bruce Almighty'. This one is going to star Steve Carell from the 40 Year Old Virgin. I hope that I get cast in the movie. If I do, then I'll be in Richmond and Charlottesville for a few months. Who knows? Maybe this will be the boost that I need for the next level. It's all about putting some butts in the seats and an appearance in a movie might get some people up out of the houses to come see what I have to say on stage. I'm gonna break out a new bit on stage tomorrow. It's been written and gone over in my head a bunch of times and now it's time for the birthing. I'll let you know how it goes. Peace until next time... by the way... I don't know when it happened, but I fell in love with Pot Pies! I'll talk about it later.   March 2, 2006    My muse is an awesome person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got up this morning and put on my brand new suit that I had tailored. I mean, I bought it off of the rack, but I took it to a tailor and they hooked me up. I've never had a suit tailored but I'll tell you what... I like it. It's amazing what a good suit can do for you. On the outside and on the inside. I don't want to think I'm that shallow, but I want more. Anyway, I had to wear this suit for this photo shoot that I was doing for the Richmond Magazine. It's a fairly popular magazine in the Richmond area and in the April issue it's featuring three comedians who make their home in Richmond, VA. I'm in it along with Nick Cantone and Nancy Frowert. I don't know much about what the final product is going to look like and I'm kind of excited but you can bet that as soon as I find out, you'll find out. I'm probably gonna end up buying more copies of the magazine than I need, but that's okay. I have a lot of family. It's weird how much of what I do is motivated by me making sure that I'm doing my family proud. I talk about all kinds of subjects on stage and am very unapologetic about what I do talk about. Sometimes it's just real, with real language (grown up stuff) and I'm okay with that. I don't use it a lot, but I do use it. I'm okay with that. It's who I am. I went the whole first year of my return into comedy without dropping any curse words at all. I did that because I didn't want to rely on any foul language to get a laugh. I was more interested in writing a joke not new ways to curse. So here I am. Funky fresh and in the flesh. When that magazine comes out, I hope you all go a get a copy of it. Trust me when I tell you that i'm going to remind you about it. A lot!! I'm working with Dan Gabriel (the feature) and The Tennessee Tramp, Janet Williams this week in Richmond, VA. I'm having a wonderful time. Janet is hilarious. She looks like the lady from Hee Haw that used to wear the hat with the tag still on it, but she's got the mouth of... I don't even think I have anyone to compare her to. As soon as she steps on stage, she red lines it! You don't expect it, but she punches you in the mouth with the first things that come out of her mouth and I don't believe that anyone recovers from that first punch. You either enjoy the show as it is, or you walk because you can't handle someone that looks like your great aunt curse and talk about sex and body parts without whispering. She doesn't lull you into a false sense of security with nice and then upset you with a dirty joke. She starts with the dirty jokes and gets dirtier. Don't believe me? Go see her show. You will not be disappointed. She's down to earth and a sweetheart. I'm digging her. I'm giving some shout outs too: Chuck my barber (804-901-7197) If you're in town and need your hair cut, give him a call. Chipotle (any one of them around the country) Jim English - The Little Gift Shop (t-shirt guy 804-271-6164) Did I mention that my muse is awesome? Big up, Glenn Robertson who is not my muse.   March 3, 2006    Maybe it's the time that I go to the Wal-Mart around here or something, but I tend to have some strange things happen to me. I was in the check out aisle when this guy came up behind me and just threw his groceries on the conveyer belt. Now, I had already put my groceries on the conveyer but he just bum rushed the dang on thing and set his groceries way to close to mine. Then he stood way to close to me for my comfort. So I looked at him funny. I mean that funny look that was a question and a statement all at the same time. Then he says to me, 'You are in line ahead of me!' ... I know this, man! You don't have to tell me that I'm in front of you. But it looks like I may have to tell you that you're behind me. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but most Americans don't like to be crowded. I'm American to the core and I don't want anybody all up on me and I certainly don't want their groceries all up on my groceries. (Have I crossed the line into pettiness yet?) So, the guy moves even closer to me. I can't take it anymore. I say, "Back up off me!" I look him dead in the eye as I say this. He then replies, "Is there a problem?" I don't think that he really understands the current situation. I'm irritated and he has no idea why. I say, "Yes, there is a problem. You are invading my personal space and I want you to back up off of me." So, naturally, I have the guy pissed at me now, but he backs up off of me because he realizes that I'm about to grab my pot pies and hit him in the neck area with them. I just don't get it. I'm not trying to own the air around me, but I think that I have at least a lease on it. There's enough room here to where you can get your own. Step off of me stinky man. Have you ever had a pot pie? They're one of the best treats you can possibly imagine. I usually eat them when I'm in a place that doesn't have a Chipotle or when Chipotle is closed. Now, if Chipotle made a pot pie then all would be right with the world. But as it stands, they don't. I saw two people from my church today. Yay! I still haven't done that joke on stage. The one that I've been talking about for a while. I think that when I do that joke, it's going to open up a whole new avenue for me. What am I waiting for? Don't know. Is there ever a right time? Don't know. We'll see. Peace.   March 11, 2006    I'm at Bar Louie's in Cincinnati with Sheryl Underwood. Tough Love and great advice. She's awesome, plain and simple!   March 24, 2006    It's been a minute, but here it is. I've been working. Actually, I've been working pretty hard. I finished up my week in Cincinnati with Sheryl Underwood with a new found respect for her. I'm glad that I went out there with a brand new attitude. I got back to Richmond and decided to handle some business that I hadn't taken care of before. I got with the manager of the Funny Bone in Richmond and we locked down some dates for doing comedy on Monday nights. I've got four dates and I'm trying to promote the hell out of them. They're going to be great shows, so if you get the chance to come out to them, you should go! I published a new website for the monday night shows: http://www.comedyonmondays.com It's going to be a showcase show featuring four comics from all over the country and myself as the emcee. Check out the website for more details. That's enough of me pimping that on this particular blog. Anyway, I received a call from the casting director for the movie 'Evan Almighty' and was asked to show up to the set on Tuesday. Actually, we were directed to a parking lot about 3 miles away from the sound stage and were told to be there at 6:45 in the morning. I live in Richmond and it was about a 1 1/2 hour drive to the location. If you know anything about me, then you know that that drive is like a 5 minute drive for anybody else. I'm so used to driving 12 to 15 hours to get some places that this drive was nothing for me. Anyway, I get to the parking lot extremely early and pray to God that this isn't like the setup that Africans went through when they got stolen and taken to a new land. "Hey, Kunta! Want to be in a movie?" Next thing you know... we have the story Roots. Who knows? It could have happened like that. Kunta could have thought he was going to make a movie. Maybe "Toby" was his stage name. I digress. I wasn't stolen. We were taken by van to this sound stage where they are doing the filming for the movie. This was the first day of shooting in Virginia and I was pretty excited to be a part of it. The logistics involved with making a movie are incredible. They had many more people there than I expected. I know that when I make my movie, I probably won't have that much money to work with so it will be me and the actors and a priest praying for good lighting conditions and weather. They had food for days and not that crap that they serve at Golden Coral. This was food prepared with love. It was everywhere. I think that I gained about 4 pounds that day. Unfortunately, I think I've lost 10 pounds since. I caught a cold from being out there. Last week it was sunny and this week it snowed. The sound stage was so hot from the lights in there, that they actually had an industrial strength air-conditioning unit pumping in cold air even though it was snowing outside. That's how hot the lights are. We were inside and the lights that they had set up made it look like it was perfectly sunny outside. It was incredible. Here's the deal. For anyone thinking that Hollywood is all glamorous, you need to think again. This crap was work. It was boring and tedious. There were moments of fun dispersed throughout the day, but it was work. The end product that you see on the screen in no way resembles what the cast and crew do on any given day. There is a lot of time setting up things, checking lighting conditions, moving equipment, checking sound, directing extras, moving marks, checking camera angles and tons of other crap that you never even think about when you're watching a movie. If you're afraid of working then you don't really want to be a 'star'. I'm sure that when all is said and done, there are moments when they can just sit back and enjoy what was accomplished, but man, it's work while you're doing it. I was playing a carpenter in a scene where Steve Carell and the woman from 'The Gilmore Girls' and their kids were entering their new house for the first time. If it doesn't get cut out, I'll be able to tell you which frame to pause on to see me in the background. Even if it gets cut out, I'm adding this movie to my credits. Either way, I got paid and hopefully they'll ask me back. In the lunch line, Steve Carell shot a crouton at my shoe, I think that was his way of inviting me into the world of celebrity (okay, I'm tripping) Tom Shadyac, the director was possibly the most down to earth guy that you could meet. He immediately made you feel comfortable and like you belonged there. That was a pleasant surprise. And even though she wasn't filming that day, Molly Shannon also showed up on the set for a short while. All around it was a pretty interesting day. Other thing is this. I'm in the April edition of 'Richmond Magazine' along with Nick Cantone, Nancy Frowert, Steve Moore, and Mike Bickett. If you're anywhere in or around Richmond you should pick yourself up a copy of the magazine. I'm excited about it and my momma likes it. What can I say? Come to a show on Mondays. Peace until next time!   April 5, 2006    The Flyers were hung in the car windows with care, In hopes that comedy fans would soon be there... That about sums up my experience over the past two weeks. I've been promoting and touting this "Comedy On Mondays" thing for so long that I'm pretty sure that I've neglected some other things. Either way, the first show was tonight and I'm pretty happy with the results. Of course this is a day late and several dollars short, but here goes anyway.  Here's what happened with the show at the Funny Bone two nights ago.  Like I said, for better or for worse, this is my journey. Pros: The comics were great; the audience was attentive; the audience was responsive; the atmosphere was one of positive vibes; everybody had a great set; it's now under my belt and I can move on to the next one Cons: We went up against the NCAA basketball tournament; there was a tornado watch all day long and 1 hour before the show it looked like the book of revelations; It was a small crowd All in all, I think it was a great experience. Battling the NCAA Tournament (which I mistakenly referred to as the NAACP Tournament) and Mother Nature both added factors which I hadn't considered. Even with this, we had a large enough turnout to have a show. The comics that were on the show did a wonderful job. Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma (who filled in last minute for Ryan Conner who is at the D.C. Improv opening for Dave Chapelle), Averell Carter and Rory Scovel all had great sets. Even with the stress of running and promoting the show, I'm glad that I did. We'll see how the numbers go for the next show to determine if we'll continue doing it. It would be a shame for Richmond to miss out on this opportunity to catch these stars of the future before you're paying through the nose to see them. I can't tell those who didn't come what they missed out on. All I can do is say, 'Don't miss out on any more!' Come check out a show! You'll be glad that you did. Besides... WTF else are you doing on a Monday night? To all of those people who came out to the show, Thank you!!! If you get the chance, post a message in my comments section telling what you thought of the show. And most importantly, spread the word. YAY!!!   April 18, 2006    It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely ti-ime!!!  Okay, I need to get up to date with this diary thing.  I get on the ball and then I get off of the ball and it's just nuts.  Anyway, I was in West Virginia for the past two weeks before returning to Richmond Va to do my show on the 17th.  (That was last night by the way)  I spent the first week in West Va with the Untamed Shrews.  Two of the nicest ladies that I've met in the business.  That being said, I probably won't share a stage with them for as long as I'm in the business.  Nothing bad to say about them, I just don't get down with them in a business sense.  It doesn't make cents.  Catch my drift??? They were filthy and raunchy and put on pretty good shows.  I wish them the best of luck. I thought that when I finished that week with them I was headed back to Richmond so that I could spend a week promoting my show.  I didn't get that chance because the manager of the Funny Bone in Huntington, West Va asked me if I could stay and work the next week instead of coming back the following week to work with Dustin "Schreech" Diamond.  I stayed and let me tell you why.  Marshall University is located in Huntington.  Warner Bros. Studios is filming a major motion picture that's going to star 'the sexiest man alive' as touted by People Magazine, Matthew Mac (I've shortened it because I don't know how to spell it.  Not that that's stopped me from trying before.)  Yeah, ole Dazed and Confused himself was in Huntington to film a movie about the plane crash that killed most of Marshall's football team in 1970.  I went to the campus to try to get on as an extra.  With any luck you'll be able to see me in one or two of the scenes (Come on, Mr. Editor.  Hook a brother up!!!) This film is a period piece and so I went to the Goodwill store and got some clothes that looked like they would have been worn in the 70s.  I bought a pair of Chuck Taylor All Stars and put a part in my hair that looked like the Red Sea.  I did it up, baby!  I also found out why there were fewer kids back then.  Have you ever worn a pair of pants like the ones that they used to wear?  I'm telling you those pants were specifically designed to lower your sperm count.  I have no doubt in my mind that somebody did that on purpose.  You could tell how much change people had in their pockets.  It was ridiculous.  I may have made it in.  We'll see.  When the movie comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy it and get a time marker on when you can see me in the movie, that way you can go right to it.  The same thing with the movie "Evan Almighty".  By the way, the name of the movie that they are filming is, "We Are Marshall"  It's going to be an awesome film. The second week I was in Huntington, I was working with Eric Myers and Joel Lindley.  The week was okay, I think that with Easter being right around the corner and people leaving to go to their homes it ended up being a light weekend as far as attendance was concerned.  I had a good time none the less.  The people at the Funny Bone (staff) are some of the best folks in the country and I always have a good time when I go there.  I can't wait to go back.  Also, I had my second show at the Funny Bone last night and it was wonderful.  We almost doubled the attendance of the first night and the show went off without a hitch.  Except for the comics who came up from D.C. who were late and caused me a slight bit of grief.  But other than that, it was cool.  Im looking forward to the next show.  I've got a lot of promoting to do.  I was excited about the numbers but was by no means satisfied.  We'll see how it goes.  Let's make it happen people.  I'm out.  Peace until next time.  Yeah, Kenny!  I did it!!!   April 21, 2006    I'm about to update my resume and work on some new t-shirts. What are you doing? Yeah. That's what I thought. Much love and laughter to all who are reading this. I'm about to switch some things up in my life, thanks to the advice of someone in the know. Did I mention that my mom and dad came out to my show on Monday. It was the first time that my dad has been out to see me. I was quite happy to know that he was out in the crowd. That was cool. Yes, even at this age, I still look for the approval of my parents. I love and respect them very much and care what they think of me. That's just me. How bout you? Like I said... what are you doing? Peace.   June 15, 2006    I'm not going to give any excuses. I've been working on the film in Crozet, Virginia. I've been writing material. I've had a couple of gigs and now I'm back on the road. I'll be updating my schedule and diary shortly. Glenn Robertson and myself, wrote a little five minute short for the FX Comedy Competition. It's being done between FX and MySpace. I like the video. Hope you do too. The idea is that a black, poor, progressive/traditional, baptist or pentacostal church gets destroyed in hurricane Katrina and the pastor of a white affluent, conservative, traditional baptist or catholic church invites the black church to join his congregation... without seeking the permission of his congregation. The video clip is below. Take a look at it. It was done pretty quickly so don't be too harsh.  (deleted video)   To see this video, go to:  http://www.youtube.com/odysseymichaels   September 23, 2006    Wow!  Has it really been that long since I've sat down at a keyboard and banged out some words on a computer?  I guess it has.  The phone thing wasn't working.  I thought it would but it doesn't.  It's cool to have because in a pinch, I can do some of the things that I think I need to do.  But it is not a really good resource for taking care of business when you're in the business of writing lots of words.  The little keyboard on the phone can drive a person crazy.  I've been working and staying pretty busy.  I'm trying to stay on the stage as much as possible.  For the past couple of months, I've had an outpouring of material.  It's been quite amazing actually.  I go through these bouts of inactivity in regards to my material and I always wonder if I'll get out of it.  I have faith that when it's necessary, it will flow out of me.  I've been working and trying to save up for a computer.  The same computer that I'm typing on right now.  It's awesome.  I'm still trying to figure out how to use it and I guess that I will be doing that for quite a while to come.  But in the mean time, I'm enjoying the process.  I've already managed to make a DVD for myself.  I'm gonna make movies, homey!  I've been saying that for the past two years and now I'm one step closer to making  it happen.  Be aware that I'm going to put out the call for help when as I get closer to getting the camera rolling.  By the way, I was able to get a camera, lights, cords and all of the other things that I'll need to get this crackalacking.  Yay! By the way, this diary entry is being brought to you by my neighbors who are providing me with the free internet through their wireless service.  Hooray, neighbors!   I'm working this week with Tommy Davidson in Richmond, VA.  The feature act on this weeks show is from New Jersey and his name is Erik Lyden.  Tommy is a great guy that I've worked with before and Erik is a great guy to work with.  I hope that I get the chance to work with him again.  I'm really enjoying doing what I'm doing.  I'm gonna go see my mom and my nephew later on today.  It's 6:45am and I have  yet to go to sleep.  This is what happens when you get a new toy.  The computer came in the mail at 5:30pm yesterday and I was only able to get it set up before I had to  leave for the Funny Bone.  I've been playing with it ever since I got back.  I really should get some sleep.  In fact, I think I will.  I'll be back sooner rather than later.  Yay!!!!!   September 26, 2006    I'm in Columbia, South Carolina today and I will be here for the next two days.  (Twiddling my thumbs... whistling... more twiddling)  I don't know what there is to do here, but I'm determined to find out.  I did the show tonight at the Comedy House Theatre with Barbara Carlyle.  I've got to check the spelling on her name.  Of course I'm horrible at spelling but I can at least get her name right.  Speaking of getting names right, when the emcee brought me on stage, he brought me on as Odyssey Jackson.  WTF?  I tore into him like you wouldn't believe.  He earned it.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not holding a grudge against the guy.  In fact, he's a pretty cool brother with some good material, but he got the name wrong.  What was I supposed to do?  (You gon' eat your cornbread?)  Okay.  I drove for quite a few hours today and didn't eat anything but a nutri-grain bar.  I thought I was okay, but about 10 minutes before I was supposed to go on stage, I started to feel like I was going to faint.  I tried to pull it together but my brain just wasn't operating right.  It finally dawned on me that I needed something in my belly.   I wanted chocolate.  The backstage of a comedy club is not a really great place to find chocolate.  I just needed something with sugar.  The waitstaff at the club was awesome.  I know they thought I was out of my mind.  I couldn't put a sentence together.  Between trying to remember what I was going to say when I got on stage and concentrating on not passing out once I got out there, I was pretty messed up.  Luckily, I pulled it together enough to order a coke.  Soda has never tasted so good or been so life sustaining as it was tonight.  Yay for high fructos corn syrup! I loved the crowd.  Nice mix of people.  Colors and ages and I don't know whether it's the cornbread, the grits or the biscuits, but the women... Whoah!  Let's just say that I'm gonna have South Carolina on my mind for a while.  I'm on the only computer in the hotel and I don't want to be rude to the other people who might want to get on it, so, I'm out.  Until next time.   October 15, 2006    Okay.... Tonight was completely... different. First of all, I'm working in Huntington, West Va. with Aries Spears. I'll say that again, for those of you who aren't making the connection. I'm in Huntington, West Va. with Aries Spears of Mad TV, HBO, Comedy Central, and Jerry MacGuire fame. I'm really enjoying working with him. This is about the fourth time that I've worked with him and by far the most interesting. I'm opening the show for him on a two man show and I choose tonight's first show to do a joke that I haven't done in quite awhile. I'm working through this joke as if I'd been doing it like I hadn't drop it out of my rotation. This means that all of the punch lines were where they were supposed to be and I was hitting all of the set-ups. Then I get to the end of the joke, which by the way, is a closer. A closer is one of those jokes that ends on a high note to where the crowd is cheering and slapping the table and laughing and spitting and whatnot and you can kiss your first two fingers then triumphantly raise your hand in the air and shout, 'Thank you! That's been my time!' Perfect ending, right? Well I get to the end of the joke and I do this thing with the microphone where I pull back on the microphone with one hand and apply pressure with the hand that has the microphone, then let it go so as to smack it against my chin for a visual and sound effect. I'm telling you, it's killer. I've never had a problem with this... until now. I let the microphone go and the thing slingshots, not to my chin, which is a safe area, but directly to my bottom lip. In the battle of metal vs. flesh, metal wins out every time. I knew immediately that I have busted my mouth wide open. But I try to play it off, like I can finish the joke before the bleeding starts. Wrong answer. I actually pull the microphone back and do it again (for the purposes of the joke, this is done several times, it's actually a very funny bit). I hit my mark this time - the chin. But my lip has already started to swell. Can you believe it? I actually punched myself in the face with the microphone. I sucker punched myself. On stage! I'm a firm believer in stating the obvious and so as I tried to wipe away the blood from my lip with a napkin that was handed to me by someone in the front row, I kissed my two fingers and threw my hands into the air. But it was more like a boxer that has lost a fight but has been trained to throw his hands up at the end of the bout no matter what. At least I've seen boxers that didn't get bruised up like I did tonight. I said, 'Thank you. That's been my time!' And then I introduced Aries Spears... I beat myself up on stage tonight. That was a first. The second of my, first's, tonight happened at one of Barboursville's fine dancing establishments. I've never seen a more rag-tag collection of 'exotic' dancers in my life. It was obvious that there was no screening process for working the joint. I'm sure that the only question that was asked at the interview was, 'Can you remember how to get here?... You can?!... You're hired!... Now, our rules clearly state that you can't do your crystal meth where the customers can see.' These chicks, and by chicks I mean crack whores, were busted! There were a couple there that made you believe that not all hope was lost. But this one chick... Wow! Disgusting! Can you say 5 months pregnant?! I'm not joking. This is not a joke. She was working the pole and had the most ginormous breasts in the place. But I guess that's what happens when you're lactating. I remember thinking to myself, 'Man! She's really thick in the middle for a stripper!' But I kept that to myself, along with my money. I'm not putting my money into some chick's garder belt while she's crowning. Ewwww! But I'm in West, Va. and I don't know how they like their women out here. Anyway, when the joint was closing down, she was standing near the door, fondling her belly and talking about the pregnancy. I'm telling you that I actually saw this. I wish to wash the sight of it out of my mind. She was proud, I tell you! Proud! Listen! I got no qualms with her being proud of the pregnancy... but, ewwwww! She's stripping! Tell me that baby isn't destined to grow up to work in the same damn club. Ewwwwww!   November 3, 2006    It's November and getting close to the second anniversary of this website.  Hmmm.  I've managed to write a ton of material.  I've also managed to get my camera equipment, lights and editing equipment.  I'm bout to make some movies!  Click! Anyway, I'm in Virginia Beach, Virginia this week with Bob Zany.  Bob's been in the business for about thirty years now.  He's a very, very funny man.  It was fun watching him do his thing on stage last night.  I'm actually featuring the entire week at Virginia Beach.  It's a promotion of sorts being that it's one of the clubs that I was rotating through with the emcee work.  I had about five clubs that I was doing on a regular basis with emcee work which allowed me to keep working on a regular basis.  These were the only clubs that I would emcee.  Any other club that I went into it was as a feature or closer.  So to get bumped up at my 'home' clubs is very exciting.   I just finished revising a script for a sitcom idea that I came up with a while  ago while on some long drive to some big state very far away from my home.  I had put it on the back burner and finally brought it back out a few weeks ago at one of the writing sessions that we've been doing on Tuesday nights at my place.  My roommate, Glenn, and my buddy, Jon D. Miller both get writing credits for the first episode of the show.  It's amazing what kinds of things that you can get done when you sit down and write.  Write, write, write.  My new motto!   Anyway, I need to run off to the store to buy some personal hygeine items.  I could have left that out of there, but it was on my mind.  Until next time.   November 4, 2006    I've been eating rabbit food.  Lots and lots of salads.  I saw myself in a commercial a while ago and didn't like what I saw and so I've been eating like a rabbit for the past month and a half.  Okay, a rabbit that eats chicken and fish.  And so today was especially hard.  I just wanted to start eating everything that I could get my hands on.  I was craving stuff and it was not cool.  I've decided to give up soda.  Not that I was drinking much, if any, before.  But I've cut it out.  It was as if, as soon as I made the decision not to drink it anymore I wanted to molest the soda machine in the hotel lobby.  It's sad.  I had an apple/cinnamon trail mix bar and some peanuts for a late night snack.  This sucks. I was standing in the lobby of the Funny Bone and these dudes came up to me and were telling me how much they liked my show.  One of them happened to notice the shirt that I had on.  "You have an MBA?"  And before I could answer, he goes into telling me how cool it is that I have an MBA and that he and his boy are in school studying for theirs.  He was going on about how hard it is.  So sorry for him.  I almost felt bad telling him that my 'MBA' stands for Master Burrito Ambasador at Chipotle.  But I told him.  "I'm sure my MBA was much easier to get than yours is."  Oh, well!  I can say I'm an MBA but I don't have one. A lot of my friends are out partying tonight and it dawns on me every now and again that I miss out on stuff that happens on the weekend.  But I'm part of what happens on the weekends.  I often forget that going to these shows is what some people look forward to all week.  I'm part of their break from the daily grind.  I drove by a construction site yesterday.  There's no way you could miss it.  It's a huge building going up behind the Funny Bone.  Anyway, I thought about the construction workers that have to go to that job everyday.  They endure physical labor, outside (the walls aren't up yet so even inside work is outside), in the cold of the winter and the heat of the summer.  And I get to go tell jokes.  Strangely enough, thinking about that gives me motivation to become the best performer that I can.  I remember what it was like working 60-70 weeks making countertops and cabinets.  And you best believe that when I spent my money, I wanted to get what I paid for.  Those guys/gals deserve to get the best performance they can.  They earned it.  Everyone that steps into the club deserves it.   Interesting. Folks here in VA Beach are cool.  I love the staff.  Getting good with the camera.  Bout to make something happen.  Until next time.   November 5, 2006    Okay, tonight I got an applause break for a joke that was getting groans.  I'm glad that I taped it because I'm not sure what I did differently.  I'd worked on the delivery of the joke and thought that I could get a better response out of it than I was getting but an applause break was definitely unexpected.  It's a joke that's gonna go either way.  I've been writing some jokes that could be considered dirty.  I prefer to think of them as not as clean as some of my other stuff.  I didn't intentionally go about in this direction.  I just happened to get inspired with some jokes and so I wrote them and performed them.  Maybe it's the company I keep.  Maybe I'm just a dirty old man.  Who knows?  Either way, I write what comes to me and perform it as soon as I get the chance.  I had a spell a while back when I wasn't writing anything new and that was scary.  So now, I'll take what comes.   I just read the article in the paper about the Pastor who now admits to calling a male prostitute.  He says he only wanted a massage.  He also says that he bought some Crystal Meth, but threw it away because it would have been wrong to use it...  It was wrong to buy it.  In fact, it's illegal.  It's also wrong/illegal to hire a male prostitute for a 'massage'.  Get a grip on reality, man.  You have to go to school to learn how to massage people.  They give out licenses for those things.  People pay big money to learn the art of massage.  I'm sure he wanted a massage... on his penis!  For that you need a prostitute.  Why you would need a male prostitute to do that is a whole other story.  I mean, if you have to go there, are there not enough female prostitutes to give you a 'massage'?  Something is wrong here, folks. The priest who said he fondled Rep. Tom Foley said that he didn't have sex with him, he just fondled him.  WTF?  That makes it okay?   Reporter:  Tell us what you remember of Tom Foley Priest: (Thick Italian Accent)  Tom-a Foley.  He's-a sucha good little-a boy.  When-a he learn to breathe-a from-a his-a nostrels... he could-a stay down there all-a day long.   In-a, out-a, in-a, out-a.  It's-a like he had-a da gills or somethin.  Suckie like a gupie!  I love-a da Tom Foley. Reporter:  I can't print that.  It's been thirty years since you've seen him.  What would you say to Tom Foley if you had the chance? Priest:  (Thick Italian Accent)  Do you have-a his-a number?  I would love to see hm again.  He-a play da skin flute like-a nobody bus-a-ness.  I miss-a my little guppie. I know that's wrong, but it cracks me up.  The dude actually tried to downplay the seriousness of what he did.  I just fondled him.  How ridiculous.  It's people, it's not the church!  Remember that.  Until next time   November 14, 2006    I'm in Richmond this week.  I'm between opportunities.  I've been looking at these opportunities as a time to get better aquainted with my camera and my editing software.  I have to say that I'm enjoying the process.  I went to a fashion show on Saturday night.  This 'fashion' show is held annually in Richmond, VA and is sponsored by 1708 Gallery.  It's called The Wearable Art Show.  Entrants make wearable art.  It's what happens at the intersection of form and fashion.  It was the first fashion show that I've ever been to as an adult.  I remember going to one when I was younger but I was so in love with the chick that invited me that I really don't remember anything else about the show.  I don know that they did this weird thing with her hair.  It was really, really out there. So I take my camera to this event.  I figure that it would be a good thing for me to film and edit.  Just for the practice.  I get my camera out of my car.  I put on all of my gear along with my directors hat.  And I head for the show.  Again, it was an awesome show.  After the show I had dinner/breakfast with my buddy Neil Constantine.  Pretty uneventful so far?  Well, I get back to my car and discover that the window is down.  Did I do that?  I step into the car and immediately discover that the ipod that I usually leave hanging from my rearview mirror is missing.  Also gone is the power cord/fm tuner that I bought so that I could play the ipod through my car radio.  (I've got a crappy radio).  I've been robbed.   Damnit!  I haven't had anything stolen from me since I was 18 years old.  That is if you don't count my self esteem, dignity, and self respect which was stolen former girlfriends.  Luckily the police reovered those things and returned them to me.  They were a little damaged, but back in good hands.   They also took some money that I had in my ashtray.  Gone also was one of my Chipotle coins.  The nerve!  I chalked the whole thing up to a loss.  I felt violated but honestly, I figured that I could just do a better job of securing my belongings in the future.  I'd become okay with the whole thing pretty quickly.  Then when I received a phone call from Kroger grocery store, I became unglued.  This crackhead thief had stolen some of my checks and had used one to buy $200 worth of groceries.  I don't spend that much when I go to the grocery store.  I write about one check a month.  That's it!  One check, and I'm not exaggerating.  Hey, lady at the register... maybe you could check the I.D.s before you accept a check from now on.  I had to fill out a police report.  I had to go to the bank and cancel all of my one check(s) that hadn't yet cleared and then I had to close my account.  The woman (my cousin) in the bank told me that people have come into the bank after having lost everything because of identity theft.  Everything.  Everything?!  I can't be mad that the guy made off with an ipod, my chipotle coin, some loose change and some groceries.  I didn't have my life savings stolen... I'm about to open a sock account.  My money might be safer in there.  Yeah.  Socks are the banking choice of the future. Friggin' Crackheads!  By the way - Oprah is a crackhead.   March 18, 2007    Wow!  I suck.  It's been way too long since I've updated this thing.  It's like everytime that I go back and look at this page it's a constant reminder of how I've neglected to sit down and write what's going on with my career in the place that I've chosen to write about my career.  It's a shame.  My brother just looks at me funny everytime that I see him.  "You know you need to update your diary!  It's the only way we get to see what's going on with you."  And look at how I respond to that... by waiting for almost five months to post something new.  Ridiculous. Anyway, things have been going fine with me.  I'm still on the grind and trying to make things happen in this business of comedy.  I've been staying busy for the most part.  I took January slow to try to concentrate on finishing this script that I've been working on.  I still haven't finished it.  I've had a few things on my mind.  But life on stage is getting better and better with every show.  I'm pleased with the progress of the past few months regarding my stand-up.  I like where I am and where I think I'm going.  After trying to figure out the criteria that MySpace has for rating their comics, I put in the effort to make myself the number one comic in the state of Virginia.  I can safely say that I've accomplished that goal.  With the help of some friends and a silly video where I wore a dress and a wig and a parody of the song, "This Is Why I'm Hot!", I was able to slide into the number one position.  Who knows how long that'll last.  I'm just gonna keep on doing what I do.  It's fun. Still filming and editing.  I've been doing small projects here and there while trying to get better in all areas of filming.  My main goals are to put out a product that people will be pleased with, and to not waste anyones time during filming.  If I can accomplish those things I'll be a happy camper.  I'm not going to overload this diary entry.  I'm simply going to try to get back here often to write.  I miss it.   This year I made a New Years resolution to not drink any hard liquor.  It's worked out so far.  I've been drinking wine every now and again.  I've learned that there are wines that I love and wines that taste like panda piss.  Good wines can make a great evening even better.  I've learned that I like Porter House Steaks.  I've learned that I don't like people who want drama in their lives.  I've noticed the difference between someone who is sarcastic and someone who is just mean and manipulative.  One of them I don't mind.  The other one can go milk a panda.  I think I'm on the panda thing because I saw John Pinette a while ago.  I'm not insulting him.  He has a joke about looking like a panda and it kills me everytime.  This week I'm working with Bert Kreischer from 'Last Comic Standing'.  He's a very funny dude and is completely off the chain both on stage and off.  The feature act is Marvin Todd.  Marvin is also a very funny guy. Almost got into a fight at a bar tonight with some meathead.  Would've been good times.  Getting too old for that crap.  Better days ahead.  Until next time (which hopefully will be very soon), peace and blessings to you.   July 24, 2007    I'm well into the casting for my movie.  I've been concentrating so hard for the past couple of years to put together enough money and resources to make a movie that it's hard to remember shooting for anything else.  I've got a script that I'm happy with and a great group of friends and associates that have been willing to help me push forward with this project.  I had auditions for the movie today and after I get some rest, I'll get up and audition a few more people.  It's fun learning about the ins and outs of movie making.  There are things that I didn't think about in terms of auditioning people that I found surprising.  There were questions that I asked the fifth person who auditioned that I didn't ask the first person.  But I guess that's how it goes.  My first ever audition was with a guy named Travis.  Great guy.  A local open micer trying to make his way up.  It's funny how everyone thinks that everyone else knows what they're doing.  I don't.  I'm learning on the fly and I'm cool with that.  Anyone who is not cool with that can get the golden shaft.  I should've probably been asleep a long time ago, but here I am typing away at my computer on my diary page.  Like I got time for this.  I do.   I've taken some time off of the road in order to get this thing finally crackalacking.  I figured that it was the only way that it was going to happen.  Luckily for me, I don't owe anyone anything.  I haven't borrowed any money from anyone.  I wrote the script myself.  All of the locations are letting me shoot for free.  I'm using local actors.  I don't have to worry about satisfying sponsors or producers, or anyone else out there but whoever goes to watch the movie... and me.  And trust me, I'm going to like the film.  It's one thing to write a film, but now that it's going out there to the world, I have to give it up.  I'll be open to critisms from all sides.  I'm ready for it.  I've seen independent movies.  Some of them were good and some of them were very, very bad.  I don't think that I can make a film as bad as the worst film that I've seen.  So I know that I won't go down in history as the worst filmmaker out there because he already exists.  The one good thing that I can say about those movies that I've seen is that they got made.  That is an accomplishment that I have yet to achieve.  But one that, God willing, I will conquer very soon. Stay tuned in until next time, Odyssey Michaels   July 22, 2007    I had more auditions today.  They went very well.  I'm learning that I am a patient man.  I'm also learning that my 'old man status' is really seeping into my daily life.  It's a shame that it has taken me this many years to find the voice within myself.  I like the voice that I hear and I hope that you all like it as well.  I found some people that I think would be a good fit for the movie.  I still have a ways to go.  Maybe I can locate them in a shopping mall, or in Wal-Mart or something.  I don't know but I'll find them.  A tape got stuck in my camera after the auditions and it made me realize how badly I need a reliable back-up system for my filming.  I couldn't imagine spending a whole day taping some stuff only to have it lost to my camera being really hungry.  That would suck.  Luckily I was able to fish the tape out of the machine without having to take it in to be repaired or anything.  I'm not trying to spend anymore money on anything than I already have.  I've seen a lot of money go out, but not a dime coming in.  Hell, I haven't even begun filming, yet. I thought I had people in mind for certain parts and then other people audition and show me what the characters should be.  I'm learning that no matter how you write a character, the person actually doing the character is going to be the one bringing your words to life.  And man does each person bring a different life to the same words.  It's amazing.  I've definitely learned something about writing as I've been watching these auditions.  I saw lines and phrases that I thought would work one way,  go in a whole other direction than I imagined.  Sometimes, I liked it.  Sometimes, I didn't.  Everything is moving forward.  The past few weeks, I've found myself being able to describe, with no amount of uncertainty, each character, their motivation, where they came from, where they're going, why they're doing it.  It's frightening.  But on the flip side of that, I have trouble putting a sentence together for the simplest things.  I find myself driftinig during conversations about anything other than the movie... back to the movie.  I've got the fever.  I've got the movie on my mind.  I've got this weekend's 48 Hour Project that I'm thinking about and a bunch of other things.  But luckily, I've also got chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven and I'm about to devour them.  My little treat.  Is it too much sugar?  Sure, but isn't that what cookies are for?  You're not going to make me feel bad about eating them so don't send me any e-mails.  Actually, go ahead and send the e-mails.  It'll give me something to read as I eat my cookies.  Until next time.  I'm out!   July 25, 2007    Did I mention that I hate contests?  After the LCS debacle, you would figure that I'd either run from contest or punch somebody in the face if they asked me to be in one.  Not so much for either of them.  I keep telling people that they're not so bad if you go into them with the right attitude.  Well, here's what's been happening in my world. This weekend, as I was filming my auditions, my camera started making this really weird noise. It sounded like it was rewinding or fast forwarding or something. Whatever it was, It wasn't normal. I looked into the viewfinder and saw a message that said to remove the tape. I did. Then I put another tape in there and proceeded to continue taping my auditions. Later, when I went to take the tape out of the machine, It wouldn't come out. I opened and closed the door to the camera several times. Nothing. I tried to leave it open and press the eject button. Nothing. I was getting worried. I finally figured out how the tape was being held in the camera and was able to open it without throwing it across the room. Once I closed the door to the camera, it made this God-awful noise and then opened back up. Every time I tried to close the door, it would make a noise, pause for a few seconds, make the noise again and then the door would pop open. I tried to remain calm during this situation. I don't like stress. I decided that I would call the Canon toll free number on the instruction manual, in the morning. After waking up in the morning, I called the number and told them what was going on. They informed me that I'd have to send the camera off for repairs to Flushing, NY. There, the camera will probably stay for the next two to three weeks. Here's the problem with that... I've got the 48 Hour Film Project this weekend. And now, I don't have a camera. I also want to start shooting my movie in the next few weeks and I don't have a camera. I sent it off Fed-ex this morning. I'll be waiting to hear what's going on with the camera sometime next week. The other thing that happened is that I was entered into a comedy contest that happened tonight and I didn't win. I could go into a drawn out explanation about who did what and what so and so said about it, and who told me I was robbed, blah, blah, blah!... That wouldn't do any good what-so-ever! I didn't win. End of story. I'm moving on. I got way too much shit to do, to worry about what wasn't meant for me anyway. Good luck to those who won! I got a movie to make.  Even with my new found attitude about comedy contests, it's still kind of hard not to put your heart into it.  I mean, if you're gonna be in it then you should at least bring the best you can to the table.  Still, I hate to be judged.  It's for the audience.  Anywaysssssssssss. And even though I don't have my camera... and even though I didn't win the contest... and even though I'm still looking for some actors for my movie... and even though I'll be scrambling in the next two days to find a camera for the 48 Hour Project... and even though I'm running low on funds... I'm still incredibly blessed! And I'm thankful for that. And that makes me happy. Plus, I got a chocolate chip cookie in the kitchen. All's well that ends with a chocolate chip cookie.   July 31, 2007    As I'm typing this, I've got Kanye West blasting on my computer.  I don't own his album but one of my MySpace friends has his song on their page and I keep refreshing it so that I can hear this song.  "Wait till I get my money right!"  It's hot!  I guess that was my best impersonation of Paris Hilton.  Anyway, this past weekend was the 48 Hour Film Project and I had my team all together to make something happen.  I'd gone out and scouted locations for the project and found something in Downtown Richmond that I thought would be perfect.  It's an area near the canal which houses some newly built and renovated buildings.  It also houses one of the most popular new restaurants in Richmond, Blackfinn.  When we got down there to start filming, they told us that we needed to get permission and that there was no one there that could do that for us today.  They told us to come back on Monday.  That'd be great but the contest is over on Sunday.  We'll move on. I could give you so many details in this diary entry that you'd have to scroll down the page to see where it's going to end.  I'm not going to do that.  Here's what happend.  On Friday, I went to The Camel and met up with Neil Constantine and Gregory Schmidt to do the drawing for the genre of the movie.  It was fun to see so many other filmmakers in the Richmond, VA area.  Everyone had so much energy and was ready to go.  Introductions were made.  Hands were shaken.  Looks were exchanged.  Then we got to the drawing.  I went up, stuck my hand in the hat and pulled out my folded piece of paper.  I opened it... SCI-FI.  Awesome!  I don't know anything about science fiction, but I was going to give it a try.  After agreeing to meet up with them around 9:00, I went and did a few things.  I bought some new tapes for the camera that I'd rented for the weekend.  I got some wires that I needed and a few other things.  The entire time I was doing this I was thinking of a story idea.  Suddenly, It popped into my head.  I met up with the other guys at my place and we sat down and discussed the ideas.  I liked mine best.  Then my boy Kenny Chu came through and input an idea of his own.  I liked his as well but was leaning towards my idea since I had it all in my head.  Time was ticking away.  It's funny how you can come up with idea... after idea, after idea once the flood gates open.  But being that we were on a time limit, we had to choose something.  We met up at Chipotle (Yes!  I'm still addicted) with the other members of the cast and crew - Samira, Ken, Ray, Greg, Bounce, Todd,  and Nana.  After some discussion, some food and a little drink, we decided to meet up at 3:00a.m. to start filming.  I was going to be given a few hours to write the script and then we were going to get going.  Kenny and Neil followed me to my place.  After a short talk with them, I went to work on the script.  After a while, it was obvious that I was going to need more time with the script so, phone calls were made and we agreed to meet at 10:30 am at Panera.  I spent the entire night writing and revising the script.  I finally went to sleep at 6:00 in the morning.  I got a wake up call around 9:15 from a couple of friends (I knew I was going to need more than one), ot my paperwork ready, went to Kinkos, and then met them over at Panera.  We read the script and I got the feeling that they weren't all that energized by it.  I'm not saying that they weren't, I'm just saying that I don't think anyone thought we had some academy award winning stuff there.  But they all jumped right in.  We had a read through which got a couple of good laughs thanks to Gregory being a wonderful drunk (in the movie).  I was excited.  But we were still looking for locations.  I needed a medical office and a high-rise apartment building.  We had neither.  On my way home, I noticed a Vision Center located in a shopping center that I visit all the time.  I just never noticed them because I've had no reason for glasses.  I stopped in there and told them what I was doing.  Amazingly, they were on board.  We had a location.  I made a call to another friend (Tamara) and she came out to act in another roll that needed filling.  Why did I write parts for people that I didn't have?  Does that make sense?  Nope, but things have a way of working out.  I finally felt like we were doing something.  I was giddy to have something on film, finally.  Maybe we can do this.  We did that scene and then moved on to the next thing. We went downtown to the location that I'd picked out earlier and were told we couldn't film there.  I wasn't happy, but I didn't have time to sit around and mope.  Time was running out.  I ordered some sliders from Blackfinn and after waiting for another actress (Mirinda) who I'd not had when I wrote the script Why?  Why?  Why do I do stuff like that?  Marinda came through with several changes of clothes, a big bright smile and a wonderful positive energy.  I was ready to go.  She followed me over to Nana's apartment building where they treated us like royalty.  They let us use their model apartment, they gave us a key to the elevator so that we could shut one of them down, which we needed for several of our scenes.  They even let us use the roof for one of the scenes.  Wow.  Betty and Bridgette were wonderful. It was a long day and a labor filled night.  We got all of the shots that we were looking for.  Everybody did a wonderful job.  Everyone.  It was a team effort and this team rocked.  Seriously.  I couldn't have been more pleased with what I'd seen through the viewfinder and heard in my headphones.  I was excited to get home and start editing. Before I could go home, I had to get some shots of the city of Richmond.  I went downtown and got a shot of the 17th Street Farmers Market.  I got some footage of Bottoms Up Pizza.  Some footage of the huge clock at the train station.  I took some shots of the cobblestone streets.  I also got a lot of traffic, lights, cars zooming by, people walking around...  I was happy.  Time to go home and edit.  I left downtown, went home and decided that I was going to start transferring the footage from the tape to my computer and then I would go take a nap.  It was after all, 3:00 in the morning.  As I began to transfer the tape to the computer, I noticed some very weird lines going through the footage.  Funny, I've never seen anything like that before.  Then it went to a blue screen and then back to footage with the lines going through it again.  I put the head phones on and tried not to panic.  The sound was going in and out.  It sounded like the worst cell phone conversation you've ever heard.  I was getting every fifth word.  And then it started to play beautifully... for about two minutes.  Then it was back to the lines and broken audio.  I was horrified.  I put the camera in VCR mode and fast forwarded through the tape.  It was disgusting.   I went to Wal-Mart's electronic department at 3:30 in the morning to see if the tapes would play correctly in their machines.  I did not.  Again, I was disgusted.  I didn't have any usable footage.  I drove home and went to sleep. The following day, I woke up and made all the calls to the people who had sacrificed their weekend to help me make a movie.  They were calls that I didn't want to make.  I was amazed that everyone understood.  Not one person said a negative thing to me.  Not one.  Of course, they were disappointed, but they all understood.  I took the camera back to the guy I'd rented it from and told him what had happened.  His response, "You used cheap tapes."  My response, "I've never had a problem with these tapes before.  Ever!"  So, what do you do?  You move on.  I got half my money back since we couldn't figure out exactly what happened.  I thought that was fair.  And now, here I am.  Waiting for my camera to get back so that I can make a movie. Until next time.